Anyone can learn anything – But what are two important factors that stop us from learning new skills?

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We are capable of learning new skills. In fact the human system is the most sophisticated system around that is able to constantly grow and change based on things it is exposed to on a daily basis.

This expansion is usually unconscious to an extent. But each of us are capable of consciously learning new skills and applying them to live better lives.

Some people are masters at learning new things. They would always be studying and absorbing information very quickly without needing much effort.

Its makes the rest of us think, maybe I don’t quite have the right temperament for this topic or this skill.

But the truth is we all can learn anything. Each of us do have certain things we are naturally good at and are part of our temperament. But learning things out side of what we are naturally good at is what brings real growth.

So what is stopping us from learning new skills. The obvious answer maybe that one is lazy and not motivated. Though it may seem like the case, sometime it could be due to real blocks that stops us from learning new skills.

Learning is also a skill we need to learn and cultivate, and some of us had some help maybe from a teacher or an adult who taught us how to learn. But this is rare.

Aside from not knowing how to learn there are two very fundamental reasons that people are not able to learn new skills. These are:

  1. Unhealed trauma

Trauma affects our performance in almost all aspects of our lives. Trauma comes about because we felt that we were in danger in some way, particularly in early life. In danger of being rejected, being abandoned, being abused, being verbally or physically attacked or being misunderstood. The result of this is we withdrew into our selves and started fearing our environment. We go into a panic state and stayed there because it never felt self to just come out of it. When we are in a panic state ready to fight or flee, it becomes very hard to learn anything new. True learning require some level of inner calm and peace. When your body is in state ready to react, it is not in a state conducive to learning and absorbing new information. So unhealed trauma can be a major block to learning and growing.

2. Consuming the information in the right format and perspective

Often times the reason why we don’t understand something is because, the information is not presented in a method or a perspective that we can relate to. It maybe taught by a teacher who has a very different perspective than we do or it may be a course written in such a way that you can’t quite connect with the material. Some people need a bit of background information first on the topic before they are ready to learn and some people just need to jump straight in and do something in order to learn. This is why it is important that we find a teacher that we can relate to and also find material that we can easily digest. If we can’t find either, we can create that material for our selves in a way that we can absorb from what is available to us.

Learning new skills at every stage of life has become crucial for everyone, so understanding what is blocking us from learning can help us to to resolve any issues we have and become better learners.

Hope this read was interesting.

~Thank for reading~

Love in a way they recognize its love

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Love relationships are exciting, anxiety provoking, transformative, fun, stressful, exhilarating and grounding all at the same time.

We feel each of these emotions at different stages of the relationship.

Initially it is excitement and exhilaration. Then its sweet sweet love. But then we hit the power struggle phase, where we can no longer see the good we once saw in our partner. Instead we see someone who has nothing in common with us.

We then learn again to love the person for the good and the bad. At this point things seem to be going great. But not for long.

We then hit the love language barrier. we give and give, but don’t get any love back. We become resentful and frustrated. The frustration slowly but surely start to build up inside of us.

Our partner also seem to think that they are giving equally, but we don’t see it that way. Heck we do so much for them and they never do anything for us.

Then your partner might say, I didn’t know you wanted me to do that.

You see we only recognize love, when its given to us in the way that we like to give it. If I like to give gifts, I won’t recognize my partners words of affirmation as love. I need to see him given me a gift.

This was not a problem at the beginning of the relationship, because it was our differences we liked. We complemented each others style of giving love.

But over time this difference becomes a hinderance. I always make time for you but all you do is just buy me something, but never spend time with me. Or I always encourage you but all you do is whine about how you did my laundry and how I am such a child.

So those initial differences are no longer cute, but a cause of frustration and an indication that maybe you are too different to one another.

So how can we resolve this dilemma.

You see, the trick is to recognize how our partner is giving us love. Because that is what they consider what love looks like. Then give them love in the same way once in a while. They won’t be able to put it into words or put their finger on it, but they would feel understood.

For us to feel love, we can recognize how we give love, and let our partner know that we like it when they give love in that way.

Its about speaking a language that your partner understands when giving love and vise versa.

This is often a point in many long term relationships where the partners feel a lot of frustration.

But as you can see, there is an easy fix.

All we need to do is speak the other person’s language at least once in a while when it comes to love.

~Thanks for reading~

Essential Preparation Steps for Meditation

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We all at this point in time know the importance of meditation and connecting with our selves.

But the truth is meditation is not all that easy if we have not done the pre-work that gets us in the right kind of state to continue meditation.

Many of us carry around trauma which gives us a very unstable and scattered mind.

Trauma often cause us to harbor emotions in our bodies that never found a way to be released.

This often throws our energetic bodies out of balance and sitting with our own selves becomes a very painful exercise.

This is why we need to tackle these physical and energetic body related issues first.

So what does pre-work involve.

1.Releasing old pent up emotions

First we need to find a way to release blocked emotions. This maybe through inner child therapy, body work, yoga or visualization meditations.

2. Heal and nourish the body

We then need to nourish our physical body with healthy and appropriate food for our unique body type and specific rejuvenative herbs that help us balance the energies within the body.

3. Letting go of anger

We must let go of any anger we harbor towards our selves and others. Pent up anger can rise up inside of us in the most unlikely moments. Specially when you sit to mediate, anger can rise up and disturb the meditation.

Anger can be released through writing and visualizing apologies toward yourself from others and towards others from you (if you need to appologise).

4. Connection with the body

We need to fully embrace our physical bodies as part of us, or we can easily become disassociated from it. To help us connect and ground into our bodies, we can practice a body scan on a daily basis.

5. Cultivate virtues

Then we need to cultivate virtuous thoughts within our selves. This may be by practicing your own religious rituals or reading a virtuous book. There are many practices we can do like praying and reciting commandments, reciting precepts for Buddhists or practicing living kindness.

6. Keep good conduct

When we live in society and interact with others we can very easily fall into negative actions like slanderous speech, gossip, consumption of intoxicants, lieing, cheating and stealing. We have to stop/minimize these things before we can really start our meditation practice.

It would take a few weeks to complete the above steps.

After we have completed all these steps, our vessels will be pure and it would be easy to get into to a meditative state and stay there.

We just need to find a quiet place and assume the lotus posture. once we are ready. Then start with focusing on the breath for about 10 minutes. Once we achieve a sense of calm, we can go into practicing vipassana, or just observe this moment with full concentration.

The pre-work would make the meditation feel a lot easier to get into and maintain for a long period of time.

You will find that meditation has become much more appealing to you.

~Thanks for reading~

Decisions and Actions – Make them yield good results

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In life, we are constantly called to make decisions on a daily basis.

There are many things that influence us when making decisions like our own needs, what others in our life might say, what our immediate needs are and what makes us feel good.

A lot of our decisions maybe made just for making our selves feel better in the moment.

All decisions eventually turn into actions which give rise to a cause which then has effects or consequences.

Action taken through the three avenues of thoughts, words and actions, give rise to a chain reaction of events which end in an effect which we usually experience.

The time between cause and effect may be short or long, but the effects will always be seen in one way or another.

That is why in many spiritual traditions, people are given guidelines and rules to help people take the right actions so to minimize negative effects.

The energy of the action we take gets carried through the entire cause and effect process. If the action taken was negative, it does come back in a negative way. If the deed done was positive it comes back in a positive way.

Its like every action has a reaction. This is very true specially where energy is concerned.

That is why its important to take good wholesome actions.

This is not just a theory or a concept. You can observe this in your own life if you watch closely.

Cultivating wholesome actions start with establishing virtues for our selves and living true to them no matter what.

Loyalty should always be to virtues and not people, processions, name, status and material gains.

It is not easy to live this way in the society today. But as much as we can, we have to strive to live this way.

Commiting to a religious or a spiritual path can often allow people to live in a virtuous way.

We will go off the path many times, but if we have guidelines we can revisit them and find our way back.

Hope you enjoyed this post.

~Thanks for reading~

Perception – Yours and Theirs

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Who we are is not just a product of our thoughts, beliefs, past experiences, our skills and our capabilities, but it is also how others perceive us.

Have you noticed that around some people, we feel like we can do anything. But around others, we feel like we are completely incapable.

Sometimes we may feel this way based on someone else’s capability. We may at times loose confidence when we are around some one who exceeds our capabilities. But I am not talking about that here.

I am talking about the perception of us in the eyes of significant people in our lives. When they see us in a positive way, we often meet their expectation of us by being the best versions of our selves. But this is also true for people that are negative in our lives.

This is not too say that if someone overestimates our capability that we will suddenly excel at something that we are not good at.

But when others see our potential and capability, we often start seeing it in our selves.

But in life we meet people who see our potential and those who undermine our potential. Neither of these are actually bad.

Both can help us move forward and grow if we use them both in the right way. One a cheerleader and one a harsh critique.

If we cultivate compassion for all beings, we can listen and learn from everyone. We can use the support from the cheerleader to give us strength, and criticism from the critique to help us change and become better.

We can use others who exceed our capabilities as inspiration to keep learning and growing.

At the end of the day, what actually matters most is our own perception of us. Our perception of us should be positive yet compassionate. We are kind to ourselves for our short coming and still see ourselves in a positive light.

This is something we need to cultivate and maintain as much as possible. Whether a cheerleader comes our way or a harsh critique does, we can accept both of their feedback when we cultivate a level compassion and acceptance towards our selves.

A very good practice for this is the daily loving kindness meditation. It helps you cultivate an acceptance for self and others when practiced everyday.

It is about becoming a being of complete awareness and acceptance.

Hope this post was interesting and resonated with other fellow readers and writers.

~Thanks for reading~

Using feedback in the correct way

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Using feedback from others outside of us to improve our selves is important, but it can be difficult.  Often times, we received feedback in a very negative and critical way early in life which made us resist feedback all together.

Feedback we got often questioned our worth rather than told us that our action was incorrect or unhelpful. This made us start to resist and even freeze when feedback was given to us.

We did not enjoy our feelings being hurt, so it was easier to just dodge it.

But processing feedback and reflecting on them can help progress in life much quicker.

But before we can do that, we need to learn to open up to feedback in a safe way.

  1. How to open up to feedback

We have to do it slowly one step at a time. First we need to learn to sit and feel any emotion when feedback is given to us. We often resist or freeze to avoid feeling emotions. So we need to change this behavior.

This will take some time and practice. So every time we are with family, friends, teachers, collegues, we can just sit and listen.

You do not need to accept the feedback but rather just listen as though you are listening to some new information. We don’t need to make it part of us just yet.

2. Look for patterns

As you listen, you will see that same things are being said by a number of people. This is the time that we may want to take notes.

If people in different aspects of you life are noticing the same things about you, you should take note.

Then you can find a way to improve what ever is holding you back.

This is when you can look online or read a book to help you gain more knowledge of what you are trying to improve.

3. Check if the feedback was well intended

Not all feedback we get is actually accurate or helpful. So me need to always think about the persons intention.

If it is someone older and have achieved the goals you want to achieve, these might be good feedback to take on board.

Feedback from your peers could go either way. So that’s why we need multiple sources to confirm what is an actual issue we need to work on.

4. Use feedback for small changes

When we get given feedback, we should use it to make small changes.

Changes to our habits, skill set and how we do things is a good start.

For big life decisions, we need to take feedback, but need to consider what is true for us. Because no one can tell us what is right for us as there is only one of us.

But others can provide information on what you can expect in the road ahead if you take a certain decision.

So we can listen and prepare for these potential issues.

Feedback can be very valuable if we use it the right we. But it take some effort from us to discern good feedback and apply it to our lives.

Hope this read is relatable and got some one thinking about using feedback rather than dodging all feedback coming your way.

~Thanks for reading~

Childhood Trauma – Where to begin healing

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Childhood trauma bring with it a vast array of symptoms and behavior issues.

It can feel overwhelming and often we don’t know where to start our healing process. This can be very demotivating.

Often we may find our selves in a state of fight or flight, unable to explain what we are experiencing. We may also have trouble listening and concentrating on what is being said and often struggle to see our own thinking and behavior patterns.

All of the above can make it difficult for us to get diagnosed and even listen to the insights of a therapist.

A good therapist, after listening to you over a few sessions will recognize the nature of the issue. But you may not hear or accept what they have to say as you are in too much of a stimulated or a tuned out state to really connect or listen.

Often the therapist will put you on a medication first to get you to calm down, before therapy can really start. This may be helpful in some cases.

However there is another aspect we really need to look at before we are completely ready for therapy to start.

That is to release pent up emotions we’ve been carrying since childhood. The emotions we ignore and push to a side, remains with us and often cause us to be anxious and flighty.

In this state, trying to get us to lower our guard and be open to therapy is not the easiest thing to do.

That is why its important to start with a emotional and energetic release.

One of the best ways to release pent up emotions from childhood is to revisit the child aspect within us and allow it to express all its emotions, needs and wants.

This is known as inner child reparenting therapy. Some therapists are trained to do this with people, but often this can be done on our own as well through visualization techniques.

We as the adult self can hold space for the child aspect of us to come forth and express their feelings, needs and wants that they were never able to express.

While doing the above, we can pay close attention to where in the body the emotion is being held and what is the associated belief we are carrying. It may be a belief like ‘I are not good enough’ or ‘ I am not lovable’.

Once we identify the inner belief we can tell the child self something like “You believe that you not good enough. But you are amazing and valuable. I am always here with you and for you”. This provides attunement ( reflecting back to the child self their belief) and provide reassurance that they are taken care of and that their belief is false.

The more you engage with the child aspect the more the beliefs will come to the surface and the more you are able to release the associated energies and emotions.

You can engage the imagination to provide suitable experiences for the inner child to reverse their negative beliefs by meeting their needs.

Once this therapy is done for sometime, you will find that you feel an inner peace. This is enough peace for you to start observing your own thoughts and behaviors with more clarity. This also allows you to work more easily with a therapist and be very transparent with them and listen to what they have to say.

You will find that therapy moves and progresses quicker now that you are in a state of calm.

This is only the initial stage, but it is a crucial one in my opinion when working on childhood trauma.

~Thanks for reading~

Not feeling grounded! What to do about it?

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Some of us often struggle to feel grounded in the here and now. We may often find our selves feeling spaced out and disconnected from what is going on around us.

This makes it more difficult to function in day to day life. We may be forgetful, fearful and have feelings of not belonging.

From a yogic perspective, this tendency is described as having weak lower chakras, which are to do with survival and belonging, and having more strong upper chakras, which are more about spirituality and detachment.

We bring these tendencies from our birth and often attract an early experience of not belonging or abandonment.

We may naturally tend towards isolation, detachment, intellectual things over physical, be unable to express needs and wants and experience social anxiety.

If we have these tendencies, there are certain things we can do in order to increase our feeling of being grounded and belong.

Some things we can do include:

  1. Connecting with other – Connecting with others can help us get in touch with reality and bring a sense of belonging. Though this may be uncomfortable, making a point to connect with others can be very beneficial in becoming grounded. We also need others to reflect things about us back to us, for us to grow and evolve. We are part of the collective, and therefore we need to embrace that more in a physical way more so than a spiritual or conceptual way.

2. Meditation and Deep Breathing – Both these activities help us reduce our thoughts and connect with our bodies. Its about bringing our energy down into our bodies away from our minded. Deep breathing also help us get more oxygen into our system, helping us calm down even more.

3. Eating the right food – Eating food that we can digest well and not cause gas and bloating definitely helps with grounding. We each have unique constitutions and some of us struggle to digest certain food. Its good to become aware of food that we can not digest easily. It also helps to use digestive aids that help us stimulate the digestion like lemon water to stop creating more gas in our systems. A good grounding tea can also go a long way.

4. Exercise – Exercise is a must. There is no better way to remove the feeling of anxiety from our bodies than exercise. Not only that, it helps us connect more with our bodies and activate lower energetic centers. Not to mention, it helps us release all the feel good hormones. Nothing really beats exercises.

5. Journaling – The mind needs a bit of cleansing and organizing too. This is where journaling comes in. By writing thoughts down, we are giving our thoughts some structure. This really helps us become more grounded and less spacious.

6. Nature time – Connecting with nature specially bear foot helps us ground (literally). This is one of the best remedies for grounding our selves.

7. Therapy – Having someone to talk to about our fears and slowly but surely unravel things about our selves can help us feel less fearful about life. This in turn can help us feel more secure and grounded.

Life can feel like a movies we are watching rather than us being a part of it, when we are not grounded. So we need to make an effort to engage and expose our selves more and more to life to become comfortable embracing people and experiences.

Thanks for reading.

Healing the inner child to release childhood trauma

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Very few people escape their childhoods without some kind of trauma. Most of us experience shocks to our system early on in life, this includes our own birth where we experience our first detachment or abandonment experience according to psychology.

The trauma can become specially prominent and painful when they are caused from not so natural causes like abuse, loss, physical and emotional abandonment and neglect.

Though in most cases these incidents seem not very significant at the surface, for a child that does not have much reasoning capacity, they may internalize these experiences along with the belief that they were responsible for causing the incident.

This often cause the child to harbor emotions of shame, guilt, lack of personal worth, low self esteem and feelings of not being good enough. With these beliefs and emotions, living life can be quite painful and difficult.

Most people are able to live happily despite experiencing some trauma in early life. But if the incidents were very severe and emotionally traumatic, the negative beliefs and emotions that were triggered during the traumatic incidents can still run our lives today.

You often hear life coaches talk about changing the subconious programs and limiting beliefs. This is referring to releasing the negative emotions that we’ve been holding onto specially from early life and changing the associated beliefs that have been etched into our subconscious.

Reprogramming the subconscious is not always easy however. Specially in the case where the childhood was deprived of certain key experiences for a prolong periods of time.

When there was trauma or deprivation, a child aspect of you gets left behind, unable to progress to the next stage of development. The rest of you grow into adulthood. But there is this sense of having two different aspects of you, a child you and an adult you.

A child like side to you is rebellious, playful, easily angered, cheeky and seek attention. The adult aspect of you can be quite serious and even responsible. But when the inner child aspect is strong in someone this aspect tends to take over them more often.

Psychologists will often refer to this from the perspective of lack of brain connection in different part of the brain. Emotional and rational aspects of the brain not operating harmoniously. .

This often cause people to self sabotage and not act and behave in a responsible way.

The best therapy in my experience for this situation is inner child therapy. This may be through a psychotherapist through role playing or by your self through visualisation.

It involves connecting to the child aspect of you and treating that aspect as their own individual. Then the adult aspect of you asking the inner child aspect to express their needs, wants and emotions.

The adult you then create space for your inner child to express them selves without any barriers and meet their needs by taking action in the now or by visualizing doing certain things.

As you get more comfortable doing this therapy, the inner child aspect of you come forth more easily with what they need and want.

If anyone has had a loss or abandonment in early life then they would have a lot of trust issues and these types of people could benefit from doing this exercise on their own as working with anyone can be a uncomfortable experience for them. Otherwise we can employ the help of a psychotherapist.

It is a very creative experience. You can create situations and scenarios to meet the need of the inner child as you continue with this therapy. The inner child aspect of you will express exactly what they are wanting from you.

This technique is very powerful as it helps you release emotions as well as change your core belief systems as the inner child aspect gets more and more of their needs met.

Most of the time, the inner child just wants to be heard and understood.

This therapy can be supplemented with medication in some cases. It is always good to seek the help of a professional.

Many people who have tried this therapy have had very positive results and permanent changes.

A good reference that I can recommend is the book “Journey from Abandonment to Healing” by Susan Anderson.

Thanks for reading~~